meet kp

I’m not a skinny girl. I never have been. I never will be. Right?

As a kid my dad used to (regularly) sit me down and ask me if the other kids at school teased me for being fat.

No one ever did.

I grew up convinced that I was fat and my peers were just too nice to say anything. As a result, I’ve gone through life figuring, sure, I’ll eat that. I’m already fat. And then, I became fatter.

Sometimes it’s a problem. Sometimes I look at pictures and I feel horrible about myself. For example, here’s a picture of me at the Louvre. Surrounded by beautiful things. And that gut is RUINING EVERYTHING. This picture makes me nauseous to look at.

What I realized recently is that when I was a kid I WASN’T fat. I was 8.

And then going through puberty. And then self imposing any sort of pudginess I had. I mean, I’ve never been THIN but was I ever really FAT? I don’t really think so. I was just under the IMPRESSION that I was fat so I let it happen.

Now clearly in that picture I’ve been eating bread and cheese and not working out for 2 weeks, but I’ve always been on the heavier side. I realize more and more, though, that that weight has more to do with the fact that I’m athletic. I played sports all through school. In college, I walked a lot and hit the gym whenever I could squeeze it in. Now that I’m out, I can’t afford a gym membership so I run every morning. Not because I like running, and not even because I’m trying to lose weight but really just because I like to stay ACTIVE.

I even eat relatively healthy for the most part. I’ve never been big on “diets”. I’d rather have a small amount of REAL sugar than any amount of fake chemical mumbo jumbo.

But I have found a very dangerous slippery slope: whatever, I’m already fat. BUT WAIT! I’m just CREATING the problem!

So now it’s time to re-learn my eating habits. No more indulging just because I’m already fat. I’m not really that fat. And it’s in my power to STAY not fat. And still be healthy.